When Life is Different….

Think about the small things which are often the most important

Life has been very different this week.

My husband has had some surgery this week. He’s doing fine but seeing the person you love so much going through any sort of trauma is worrying and the whole balance of life changes.

I have been reminded that the small, everyday things in life are often the most important and they are usually the things you miss the most when life is altered. It is a paradox really. Small things are often of the biggest importance. Walking near the hospital I envied people out doing normal things; choosing Christmas presents or just having a pizza. We should soon be back to normal at Dove Lane, but I am so mindful of those, who for whatever reason, are unable to enjoy the small everyday parts of life that we take for granted.

So today I asked myself this question: how many times do I need to be pummelled and prodded by the Universe before I realise that I have a God given chance to use make the most of every day?

Does age bring us wisdom? I’m really not sure. I know I am not the same person as I was in my twenties, I think differently and have different opinions, but whether I have life worked out any better, I’m not sure. One thing I do know for sure though, is that life is not about making predictions, it’s not about having the best of everything or being the best at everything. I wish I could remember that more often than I do and get on with being grateful for what I have now. I wrote recently about living in the moment – living in the now, and I have come to the conclusion that this is the only thing we can be sure of. Today.

Because of the time of year and especially because we mark the 100 year anniversary this weekend of the end of the First World War, I was thinking about the families who suffered unbearable losses; so many, many lives cut short, so many decent, honest, ordinary people taken in unbearable circumstances and robbed of a future – robbed of a chance to partake in the ordinary, sometimes humdrum but welcome routine of everyday life. We must use today wisely.

I have written a lot about anxiety in recent blogs, and how we try and deal with anxious times. Most of us get anxious when we fear things that are out of our control – and sadly the unexplained or unexpected can happen in life and somehow we have to cope.

I think the simple questions in life turn out to be the most profound. Maybe in this world, where unrest and tragedy unfolds in the media on a daily basis, we would do well to think about some simple questions. Maybe even write down some answers so we can ‘ground’ ourselves when we feel we are on unsteady ground.

Where are you from? Do you think about your roots; your home town where you were born? Do you remember growing up and spending time with your grandparents? Do you have happy memories? Think about the people who made you and helped you become what you are now; even if the memories aren’t always good ones they have been a part of you and you can learn from them.

Where is home now? Home is the one place where we can totally be ourselves, shrug off the cares of the day and do absolutely what we like. Our home is small but we have a sign in our hall which reads ‘Love Grows Well in Small Houses’ and I look at it everyday and know it to be true.

Right now, at this very moment, you can tell yourself how important it is to enjoy your everyday life – it is the life that is currently flashing unnoticed right before your eyes. It is the time you will look back on before long and wish you had back. Let the future come naturally but live willingly in the moment.

What are you going to do next? Are you doing what you really want to do and going where you really want to go? It takes time, especially if you are the sort of person who always wants to please people, but remember that it is important to do what makes you happy as long as you are not hurting anyone else in the process. Maybe think about taking another turn along the path that is seemingly laid out for you. Who knows what may turn up there.

Each day you grow older but each of those days has the ability to be extra special and only happens once.

With the future comes uncertainty for all of us, but by concentrating on today rather than thinking about tomorrow you will ease up on worrying and focus on reality – that is really all any of us can do if you think about it, no matter who we are.

Spending more time with loved ones is the key to being happy. If you are a parent and even a grandparent, you will know how those precious early years pass so quickly and before long you are watching your children forge ahead on their own. By showing your children love as they grow and by showing them how you love those in your life you will be passing your love on into the future. This is the way we ‘get better’ and the world gets better too.

You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.’

Henry David Thoreau

 

‘What day is it?

‘It’s today,’ squeaked Piglet.

’My favourite day,’ said Pooh.

A.A.Milne

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Go With The Geese…

 

I’m thinking about the flow of life this week. For a month or so now I have been woken by a flock of geese flying and making their own unique squawking sound as they fly in formation across my piece of sky. I don’t think they actually go too far as they like the local wetland area, although I guess they will migrate eventually.

As the changing of the seasons tells us, nothing stays the same forever. In order to reconcile myself to change I have been meditating on bird migration. Year in and year out, birds experience the seasonal upheaval of migration; however, these global movements are not seen as disruptive, they are simply seen as the ebb and flow of nature’s cycles. Perhaps if we understand that changes in life could also be seen as part of life’s bigger picture and not something of an obstruction we can adjust more easily to new occurrences in life.

We know nothing stays the same forever – true relaxation comes not from controlling life’s flow but instead allowing oneself to be carried along with the flow instead of looking back with nostalgia for the past or fear for the future.

If you find that you are struggling this week to achieve a desired result in any given situation, perhaps you are trying too hard to make something work. Maybe try sitting back a little ( I know it’s hard!) and let things happen as they will. Use acceptance. Remember nothing happens until it is meant too.

A little light relief and a poem for today……

My father used to look at the birds as they flew overhead and convinced me they were on their way home from school. I believed him too (actually, I still do!)

Bird School

It’s absolutely true
That, just like you,
As a general rule
Birds go to school.
Flying together
Whatever the weather
They attend their classes
On treetop branches.
At half-past three
When it’s time for tea
Look to the sky
Where the clouds float by.
See the birds on the wing
As they soar and sing.
For all in a flock
They looked at the clock
And twittered about
When school was out!
Now they’re off to their nest
For a feathery rest,
And a goodnight cheep
Before they sleep.

(C) Lyn Halvorsen

 

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It’s No Use Going Back to Yesterday…

How do we change the way we view the past….?

It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland.

I love the above quotation. It is so true and yet we often forget this and cause ourselves to churn over past mistakes or unforgotten slights from others. I wrote this post a year ago but I thought it worth repeating as I often forget to follow my own advice!

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Problems from our past are responsible for a lot of the anxieties we suffer from now. Reminders of unhappy memories from the past can come from all manner of things. Perhaps a familiar perfume floating on the air, or a few bars of half remembered music from long ago is enough to have you catapulted back to a situation you would prefer to forget. At times like this it’s a good idea to stop and remind yourself that those days are in the past and although you may wish you could erase them, you can’t. You cannot change them either. You may not realise it but you can learn from those painful memories, even just by becoming a more understanding and empathetic person to others. Ask yourself if the memories are genuinely as bad as you feel they are. Can you try to look back and view them as an outsider and make an objective judgement? If you know it was something completely traumatic, have you ever talked it through with anyone? Until you release the pain and trauma you felt you may have difficulty moving on. Consider talking to a counsellor if this is the case. If you were badly hurt or abused in some way, remember that none of that was your fault. None. You didn’t deserve to be treated badly; you deserve to be loved. I don’t think many of us can totally stop ourselves from delving into the past in darker moments. We may say to ourselves: ‘If this hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be feeling like this now’ or ‘if I had acted differently/ taken the job/ moved here instead of there’ none of this would have happened and my life would be better.’ But how do you know that for sure? We can always find situations and people to blame for how we feel now. Perhaps there IS someone to blame or someone who treated you unfairly but that doesn’t bring a solution. The solution lies in forgiveness and moving on. You are a different person now and what happened or whatever choices you made in the past are just that. In the past. But you are here now and have a chance to move forward and be who you wish to be. No one can hurt you if you don’t let them but you hurt yourself if you cannot let go of past grievances. Buddha says: ‘Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die’. There is hardly a person on earth who doesn’t have some sort of mental scars from the past and maybe that is where a lot of the problems in our world stem from. If we can’t show forgiveness and love our brothers and sisters at home and all around the world then troubles occur and escalate. No one is perfect and our upbringing came from those who were doing the best they could from what they themselves had learned along the way.

Past Mistakes

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.’    

 Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Wouldn’t we all like to have the above attitude!

I think most of us have made mistakes in our past. But however unpleasant these mistakes may seem, it’s a part of life that we need to learn from, accept and eventually get over. As we know deep down, the past is the past and no amount of thinking and worry will change that. If we acknowledge the past is outside of our control, we can more easily let go of these mistakes and stop beating ourselves up over them. Of course, it is completely natural to feel bad now and then. Guilt, anxiety and depression over past events can serve a positive function in our lives as long as we don’t get too attached to these feelings. Think of these feelings as part of a learning process – a prompt for us to make make amends or to try to avoid old pitfalls so we don’t make the same mistakes again. However, we don’t want to wallow in negative emotions. The main thing is not to let them dictate our lives as that is when these emotions become unhelpful.

Here are some tips to help you move forward:

Remember that everyone makes mistakes at times and you are no different.

Most of the time you have tried your best.

Honesty helps – admit it if you’ve made a mistake and learn from it.

Focus on now.

Life is always unfolding and changing – no single event can dictate what you do for the rest of your life.

Your past has shaped you to become who you are now but your future actions will shape who you can be in the future.

 

I try and remember this: If there is something lurking in the darkness, shine a light on it, deal with it and then move on. Then you are safe to turn the light off again.

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